i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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