oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
