FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
