and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
