Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
