I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
