apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
