I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
