Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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