The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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