Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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