My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
