I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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