Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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