I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
