I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
