Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
