I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
