Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
