shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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