Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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