Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
