I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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