Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
