I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she told me i tasted like america
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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