Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
