You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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