I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
