apparently the secret to your success is patron
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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