so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize