Apparently you make a good broom.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
