my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
