get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize