girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
