When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
