no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
