He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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