Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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