dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
