when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
