thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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