So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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