I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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