I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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