I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
