Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize