they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
