Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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