He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
