I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i think i just lost a toe
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I came so hard my ears popped.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
