You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
