i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
