I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
