my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
