I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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