At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
